dammit... a crap load is on my mind rite now. i want to say alot to certain people..but i juss...cant. Well to make things easier 4 people who will ask me about this later...ive already told samantha wat ive wanted to say pretty much. Its like i want to say stuff to these people... but by me saying something it will interfere with feelings and the outcome that I want. Psh watever. Im starting to just give up on alot of stuff and people. Its clear that im not needed... so why bother at all? why worry? damn i hate that. Im constantly trying to keep an open mind and trying to understand people.... but at the same time im constantly trying to figure out myself. But i dont even understand my damn self. Its like half the time i have to TELL myself to feel a certain way. I mean lately ive been telling myself to get over this and that... and i say to myself that i AM over stuff... but if i really am.. why the hell do i still feel this way?! I dont want to feel this way..its bullshit. Someone told me that im so "strong" and watever... i dont know if i beleive that anymore. If i cant even keep a clear head is that really "strong"? Lately ive been tryin to act all happy again. I admit..it does help somewat. Knowing that i can bring a smile to some people is really the highlite of my day... juss to know that im needed or acknowledged 4 being alive...thats all i want. And i guess thats why i act the way i do THESE days. But it pisses me off that i cant even live by my own damn words..."You know what's good for u and wat's not. But can u actually follow through and take wat's best 4 u?". How do i TAKE wats best 4 me if i dont know wat that is? Or in another matter...WHO that is? I know "who" isnt good 4 me. Heh i know all of them. But if i know all the bad stuff about those people...and i know that i wouldnt WANT that... why the hell do i still want that person? Ive made it clear that i like/love the person from past. So why chase this "present" person if they arent that same person? Thats wat i hate the most...when im sitting here and asking question after question to myself...and i cant even answer them...CRAP.
posted by Philip at 8:14 PM